Hardship and Growth

I'm struggling to know what to write or say.  Seems so strange how over the past several years I have gone from enjoying writing about what we do here, to simply staring at a screen pretending anyone cares. 

But seriously, most reading my blogs don't really care one way or the other.  Oddly enough, I have gotten to the point where I don't care either.  It isn't that I have become a pessimist or something, but that Yah has grown me so much in the last year that I simply could care less what others think because it doesn't matter.  I've been through a few rough patches this past year that have knocked me down and beat me as well.  But I used those to grow and I would like to believe I am stronger because of it.  

A year ago, I was on prescription meds for anxiety, and a doctor telling me I couldn't get off of them because it was simply the way it was going to be.  Through Abba, I proved that wrong.  I took myself off of medication and learned to rely on Him and trust He is in control. 

Almost a year ago, my faith in people was shaken.  Yet, Father used that as a means to teach me that what I seek in others is not nearly as important as what I seek in Him.  My relationship with Yahweh is more important than any relationship I could possibly have on this planet, and that loving others despite their failures is another way to love Him.

Over this past year, I have learned to refocus my heart and mind on those things which are truly important - the things of the Kingdom and how to prepare myself for that Kingdom.  I have learned that my walk and my faith is my own, no one else's, and that my concern can not be for anyone else's walk.  Being serious about our walk and the consequences of poor decisions is for each of us to figure out.  

The truth: The Father calls us, but we are responsible for the rest.  Our choices determine the outcome.  

I still struggle with things.  I get frustrated and angry over the way things are around the homestead.  The difference is, the feeling doesn't last long because I am reminded to ask Him what He wants to teach me through such a moment.  I ask myself what I can personally do to fix the situation, and if there is nothing, or my options are exhausted - I just leave it to Him.  There is no problem too little or too large for Him to handle.  

Another great truth I have come to realize is that if Father called me to this walk, then He knows I can do it!  What a wonderful thing to know that I can do this if I choose to.  It all comes down to what I choose to do with the path put before me.  The decisions I make in each situation, the habits I choose to become my life, the influences I allow to pull me away from His will, and the relationships I choose to build or tear down.  

There is one thing we are learning to do differently: how we keep Shabbat.  It has been a personal struggle through the years because there are so many ideas as to what is proper and what isn't.  It all comes down to what the Scripture says and whether or not we want to keep it properly.  A month ago, after much contemplation, study (again), and prayer, I ended up asking myself how hard is it to do "A, B, C"?  It really came down to the same idea that has me pursuing Torah: Would I rather hear Him ask "Why didn't you?"  or would I rather hear Him say, "Well done!"  

There are three voices we hear in our heads all the time.  The trouble is learning to shut our own voice up as well as Satan's, and truly listen to the Father.  However, the biggest issue we all have is thinking that the voice we are listening to is His, when in reality it is our own.  

So in the case of our keeping the Sabbath, setting it apart, keeping it holy, and seeking Him through the day, is really a matter of denying ourselves for 24 hours, giving up the worldly things and allowing Him to give us refuge from all those things which weigh us down through the week, pulling us in every direction away from Him.  

It is because of these personal reflections it was decided that the Shabbat should truly be about Him.  I prepare meals on Friday for the whole day.  I quit focusing so much on the clean house going into the Sabbath, and more on making sure I can cease when the sun goes down.  It isn't about getting everything done - it is about quitting all the work and focusing on Him. So we have started our own tradition of attempting a small Shabbat Sedur on Friday evenings.  We play Bible games as a family, such as Torah Line, Bible Trivia, Bible Outburst, Bible Apple's to Apples (with some cards thrown out), Bibleopoly, and some variations.  We watch sermons, listen to the Livestream for MTOI (Messianic Torah Observant Israel), listen to worship music, and only watch Biblical history movies.  We only do those things necessary for the livelihood of the livestock and animals.  Our goal is to stay focused on Yahweh, and not allow the outside in (as much as possible).  The kids have their moments of bad attitudes about "no pleasure" on the Sabbath, but we are trying to train them up with reverence and respect for the Almighty.  

But all that aside, how about a small update?

We have lost four goats so far this past week, all babies, due to parasites and the effects of anemia on the organs in their bodies.  We will be culling an older goat this afternoon because she just can't seem to recover from the anemia that plagues her and other health issues.  The losses, while they hit hard, don't hurt as badly as they used to.  The frustrating reality that I can't help them any more than I have has given me a new mindset that "it is what it is" and life on the homestead must go on.  Quite frankly, we don't need or want animals that can't handle life without loads of medications and de-wormers.  And I don't want others to have them either.  Chemical dependency is no better for an animal than for a human being.  

The sheep are bouncing back to full health, though they could use some basic maintenance, they look great!  We are working on cutting back on numbers and keeping only a couple ewes and one ram.  

The zebu are doing great!  Lily appears to be getting rounder each week and one day in a few months, we should see a little calf on the ground.  

Our chickens have backed off of egg production and we aren't sure why.  The combination of heat, mites, and less food could be contributing, so I am trying hard to work out the problems.  The six turkey poults are growing and will provide us with meat when they reach full size, hopefully by Sukkot or Thanksgiving.  And our little chicks are ready to move out to the chicken tractor...soon.  We just need a roof on the little tractor to protect them from the sun and rain.

The gardens are doing well!  I am so impressed with the production of the Chinese long bean, a.k.a. the noodle bean.  They are amazing fresh eating beans and the family loves them!  The plants are super productive.  Since I was out of seed, I have several on the vines for more seed for future plantings. 

I decided I was done making pickles, so I cut back all the pickling cucumber vines and thinned out the fresh eating cucumbers.  I have a large Beit Alef cucumber set aside to grow full size for saving seed.  And I have more cucumbers than I need in the refrigerator, most likely to go bad.  I am looking for all the children who claim to love cucumbers so much.  

Tomato vines are growing wild and crazy and that makes me super happy since it has been some time since I have had a good harvest.  It won't be long before I have cherry tomatoes for snacking!  

The peppers are still working on producing, but we are close because I have a few peppers starting and plenty of blooms.  I know if they weren't in so much shade half the day, they might be more productive, but I won't complain. 

Potatoes are not ready for harvest yet since the plants have not died back, but the weeds have encroached upon them and I can't tell where the borders are for weed eating and mowing.  The second planting is doing great as well, but it is in a raised bed.  No weeds sneaking in!  

Sweet potatoes are doing fabulous as well.  I continue to cut back the ends of those vines that want to grow outside of the raised bed in order to encourage the root growth.  

The second planting of green beans is kind of interesting.  One bed is large and healthy, while the other is stunted, more than likely from the shade cast on the bed by the cucumber trellis.  

The squash is insane.  I am pretty sure the insanity is at the "hand" of the tromboncino squash.  In fact, I planted this type in one of my "fire ring" beds and the vine is climbing and sprawling a good 40 feet in diameter.  This type seems to be doing super well despite the squash bugs.  

Our melons are finally growing fruit.  Just yesterday, Caleb and I found some watermelon the size of a human head.  They were hiding in there and never saw them.  These vines are vigorously grown out toward the driveway and only have a few more feet to go.  

The ground cherries have taken off!  The bushes are 2 feet tall and covered with ground cherries.  I am so excited to try them! 

My grow towers are not doing as well as I would like.  I need to figure out how to nourish the soil and allow the plants to flourish.  I have some lettuce starts in the house to put into one, but will probably move a tower to the shade to protect them from heat.  There must be a secret to those grow towers because I have seen them work out for other people.  

When it comes to the garden, I have learned to let it go.  If it grows, tend to it.  If it dies, fill in the spot with something else.  I am learning what does better in our area, and what doesn't.  It is a constant process of planning and watching, growing, harvesting, and determining what the family eats, and what they don't.  

Well, I guess that wraps it up.  I keep getting up and doing other things, so time to sign off and get going.